Active Brain makes for insane dreams ;)

Ive started painting again. I missed it so much. I loose hours while painting. I have to say that maybe my paintings arent "good" to some, but boy do I enjoy it. I think its like directing a movie. I couldnt imagine having to try to get what colors, movements and feelings across so that another person could try to see what I see.
I ll do a painting and come back to it the next day- and think hmmm I dont remember thinking or seeing this but I like it! So weird..and maybe a bit borderline loopy but I yam what I yam ;)

Ive been thinking alot about my weight, what Im doing with my life and where I plan on being. My fears all balled into one when "future" comes into my head. I used to always worry worry worry about where I was going, and I missed out on what was happening in front of my face. So, I think I may have taken it to the extreme in just living for the moment. Im not saying I do not look at consequences any more but I am definitely trying to avoid being scared to live.

So what that my cross country move has limited me to a one bedroom living area? Ive made the room into something that is comfortable and where I can relax. And husband still has not found a job? Well atleast I am working and we want for nothing. I feel bad that he is here in the room- like a illegitimate child that resembles the milk man ..hee hee ( whole story line going in my head there..but you get the picture).  Bless his little heart he does try. There are just no effen jobs out there!

There are talks of a wedding party/reception for us..since we married in Texas. That will be ossum! Will get to do karaoke for the first time and probably embarrass my self. Ive never met a more accepting family. They have opened their arms to me with out wanting anything in return. How cool is that...didnt know families did that!!

Oh ..back to artsy fartsy ..see there I went again! Ive been practising eyes today..omgoosh so hard. Im all out of erasers at the mo..so will have to put the drawing on hold till I get some because I am running out of paper lol. Last week I was on a leg fetish and drew a fish with legs - called Tempted by Love, and then a show girl on a stage for my good friend Dani. (Which I hope to see at the party).  Ive done a self portrait of when I had black hair and now back to my natural blonde. The water color pencils I am using are not the best quality I think, but they are good for my beginning stuff.

I think I burnt myself out on the fimo clay...but to be honest I wasnt that good at it except for making sweets, ice creams and things like that...so you can only make so many cakes !

Its finally getting warm here, but the skies are still grey..merry ol England eh? Have really only been talking to yaya from Texas..which sucks. But I guess I have been gone a year now, and its easy to "work" your way out of peoples lives. No fault of anyone. Just the way it is.

Am so wanting our own house, if not just to buy a Wii fit and get this chunky cuteness into a bit of shape! I hate the food here in England, but I sit on my arse 90% more than I did in the states.
And if one more person says...WHITE GRAVY WHAT IS THAT??while crinkling up their cute Brit nose...Im going to projectile vomit.

As a blogger that I follow said:

I am sending Unicorns your way, farting rainbows to brighten your day :)

Bring up those Thorns-

I dont know why I can not shut my brain off. It just keeps going, and going and going-Ive always been this way.
My ex husbands mother- she was a Riki healer, and studied hypnotism. She tried for years to hypnotise me and get me to relax- It never worked.
Out of the 24 hours in a day, the only time my mind will shut up is about 2 am to 6 am...if I am lucky. I am consumed with ideas, memories, stories etc. I think of a color, bang-  novel is now pouring out of my brain. Smell something familiar- yeah now Im thinking of the last time I smelt something like that, what I was wearing and who was with me. Music...music is the worst. I am instantly transferred back to how I felt when that song was on, or associations of the time period...its ridiculous.

I just wish that I could be quiet and stop- I just watched Eat, Pray, Love. She (Mrs. Roberts) had the same problem. She finally learned how to balance and shut the hell up. I want that.
Last night, I hit a low point. All of these feelings of what my problems are manifested out of no where. Poor husband- he didnt know what hit him. One minute I am fine, singing along and making my clay jewelry, next minute I am a word vomiting snotting crying mess.
 I for the most part, know my feelings, and know who I am.What I dont know, is why must I be so indecisive. Why cant I just send love and light, then drop it.I feel that I am holding my husband back- by accepting everything. My husband is the most non judgemental person I have ever met. He is so laid back he is almost horizontal. But, I dont think he has ever been pushed to chalenge himself. And Im not doing him any favors by just accepting that. I want him to do what ever his heart desires. If he wants to be a cashier at a grocery store- and be the best ever bagger.. great! But do what you want and love it!! He and I have the same problem- we dont know what we want to do. We dont know what we are good at. I was telling him, I would love love love to know my talent. I know that I am good at making people feel good. Not sure why, but I am. Ive turned one of the grumpiest people Ive ever met into a smiling machine at work :) I treat others as I wish to be treated (not because I want it back, its just what I think is the right thing to do)
Am excellent at making people comfortable. I'm glad I have that, but its not going to pay the bills. My art work- its shit. I know it is,but its a stress reliever. And I'm fine with that. My clay jewelry, its nothing that 1 billion other people haven't done, and better might I add. And I'm fine with that.
I asked Robert what his word is. That one word - how you define yourself. Not what others think, but you, because you know your heart of hearts. He said- indifferent. I said you like that?  He said , I am indifferent about being indifferent... and he truly is.
But that is it, atleast he knows how he is...I have no fecking clue! And I cant empty my brain to figure out where to start. So I blog - when I can. I get all the thoughts, random as they are OUT. And onto here. SO then its kinda like a file cabinet. Out of my head and onto this page. I have problems with forgetting. Always have been a ding bat with memory. But it is defo getting worse.
I go back and read my previous posts, and sometimes I wish I didn't, because then I instantly relive that shitty feeling or whatever emotion is was when writing the blog.  But I can also see a bit (small glimmer) of progress.
I am slowly finding myself. Hopefully it wont be too late. My luck, Ill find myself on my 80th birthday party, and say, Damn, I wanted to be a ..an astronaut! Pfft..too late now !
Trying to get it all out- back to it.
Right- The friends situation. At the moment, and I am not sure if its because I am now an expat in the UK- and finding friends is not my strong point, retaining old friendships are starting to show signs like a dilapidated house. Few warped boards, peeling wall paper and cracks in the foundations- but of course it may just be me looking too far into something that is possibly just fine.
I am not there to lean on, respond face to face or give cuddles. However when I was there, if I wasnt drunk (which was not very often) I was busy with my visa. I am not saying that I wasnt there for my friends, because I was. But, I dont think I am a very good friend. How can I be, when in all honesty, I dont know myself. Am too indecisive and non relaxed to stop and look in my heart of hearts.
While trying to make friends now, it seems that :
1.I cant find a common ground with the people here
2. Everyone has kids
3. My hermit ness is overtaking my ability to venture out after work
4. The little things are  driving me insane- brilliant innit..OMG.
There are more to list, but even as I type them, I am ashamed of my judgmental ass. Gawd, how rude and crap was that!!!
I have found 3 girls so far that I can hold conversations with. They are really great ladies. But we make plans, all of us. And never follow through. In Texas- I threw the parties, but honestly, I only ever went over to 1 persons house. The rest of the time I either didnt bother making plans, or..well I guess they knew that. So they would just come over instead of even bothering to ask me over...See. Im a shit friend. Bah!!!!
There are things that go on in my head, that will never be typed, told or so much as allowed to surface. Those memories will stay stuffed where they belong under lock and key. So probably the soul searching and trying to get everything out- is a moot point. But I am going to keep trying.
I am missing home- only for a few reasons. And one of them is FOOD. my goodness. But the other is Texan mentality. I think when I get homesick, my thoughts get worse and worse about shhh ing at night. As I am sure it makes complete sense! Duh.. but its annoying.
I find myself, out at break time with one of my friends, and I literally do not have anything to talk about. Its like a roulette wheel in my head, going so fast that I can not stop it to pick one topic. So we kinda smoke in silence unless she initiates a conversation.And that is with everyone I talk to!! I dont know what is wrong with me, byt my conversation skills suck. If the other person starts a topic, I am fine, untill I have exhausted my knowledge on a subject...then I just kinda nod...And also, trying to get my words out properly...its getting completely worse. I will say things backwards, stutter sometimes trying to pick one word.. and half the time, I cant remember what I know I should remember!
The way I think about things..in my head ..because I cant get it out lol, is that I know exactly what I am trying to say, I know exactly what the answer is that trivia question...but it has to stay in there. Because by the time I stop the roulette wheel and FINALLY pick the right answer...its passed. sigh. Maybe it will get better, and Ill be quick and silver tongued...pfft.It is wierd though, that typing is not a problem at all. I can type vomit nicely :) Im thinking of Dad daily- I miss you so very much <3