Active Brain makes for insane dreams ;)

Ive started painting again. I missed it so much. I loose hours while painting. I have to say that maybe my paintings arent "good" to some, but boy do I enjoy it. I think its like directing a movie. I couldnt imagine having to try to get what colors, movements and feelings across so that another person could try to see what I see.
I ll do a painting and come back to it the next day- and think hmmm I dont remember thinking or seeing this but I like it! So weird..and maybe a bit borderline loopy but I yam what I yam ;)

Ive been thinking alot about my weight, what Im doing with my life and where I plan on being. My fears all balled into one when "future" comes into my head. I used to always worry worry worry about where I was going, and I missed out on what was happening in front of my face. So, I think I may have taken it to the extreme in just living for the moment. Im not saying I do not look at consequences any more but I am definitely trying to avoid being scared to live.

So what that my cross country move has limited me to a one bedroom living area? Ive made the room into something that is comfortable and where I can relax. And husband still has not found a job? Well atleast I am working and we want for nothing. I feel bad that he is here in the room- like a illegitimate child that resembles the milk man ..hee hee ( whole story line going in my head there..but you get the picture).  Bless his little heart he does try. There are just no effen jobs out there!

There are talks of a wedding party/reception for us..since we married in Texas. That will be ossum! Will get to do karaoke for the first time and probably embarrass my self. Ive never met a more accepting family. They have opened their arms to me with out wanting anything in return. How cool is that...didnt know families did that!!

Oh ..back to artsy fartsy ..see there I went again! Ive been practising eyes today..omgoosh so hard. Im all out of erasers at the mo..so will have to put the drawing on hold till I get some because I am running out of paper lol. Last week I was on a leg fetish and drew a fish with legs - called Tempted by Love, and then a show girl on a stage for my good friend Dani. (Which I hope to see at the party).  Ive done a self portrait of when I had black hair and now back to my natural blonde. The water color pencils I am using are not the best quality I think, but they are good for my beginning stuff.

I think I burnt myself out on the fimo clay...but to be honest I wasnt that good at it except for making sweets, ice creams and things like that...so you can only make so many cakes !

Its finally getting warm here, but the skies are still grey..merry ol England eh? Have really only been talking to yaya from Texas..which sucks. But I guess I have been gone a year now, and its easy to "work" your way out of peoples lives. No fault of anyone. Just the way it is.

Am so wanting our own house, if not just to buy a Wii fit and get this chunky cuteness into a bit of shape! I hate the food here in England, but I sit on my arse 90% more than I did in the states.
And if one more person says...WHITE GRAVY WHAT IS THAT??while crinkling up their cute Brit nose...Im going to projectile vomit.

As a blogger that I follow said:

I am sending Unicorns your way, farting rainbows to brighten your day :)

Bring up those Thorns-

I dont know why I can not shut my brain off. It just keeps going, and going and going-Ive always been this way.
My ex husbands mother- she was a Riki healer, and studied hypnotism. She tried for years to hypnotise me and get me to relax- It never worked.
Out of the 24 hours in a day, the only time my mind will shut up is about 2 am to 6 am...if I am lucky. I am consumed with ideas, memories, stories etc. I think of a color, bang-  novel is now pouring out of my brain. Smell something familiar- yeah now Im thinking of the last time I smelt something like that, what I was wearing and who was with me. Music...music is the worst. I am instantly transferred back to how I felt when that song was on, or associations of the time period...its ridiculous.

I just wish that I could be quiet and stop- I just watched Eat, Pray, Love. She (Mrs. Roberts) had the same problem. She finally learned how to balance and shut the hell up. I want that.
Last night, I hit a low point. All of these feelings of what my problems are manifested out of no where. Poor husband- he didnt know what hit him. One minute I am fine, singing along and making my clay jewelry, next minute I am a word vomiting snotting crying mess.
 I for the most part, know my feelings, and know who I am.What I dont know, is why must I be so indecisive. Why cant I just send love and light, then drop it.I feel that I am holding my husband back- by accepting everything. My husband is the most non judgemental person I have ever met. He is so laid back he is almost horizontal. But, I dont think he has ever been pushed to chalenge himself. And Im not doing him any favors by just accepting that. I want him to do what ever his heart desires. If he wants to be a cashier at a grocery store- and be the best ever bagger.. great! But do what you want and love it!! He and I have the same problem- we dont know what we want to do. We dont know what we are good at. I was telling him, I would love love love to know my talent. I know that I am good at making people feel good. Not sure why, but I am. Ive turned one of the grumpiest people Ive ever met into a smiling machine at work :) I treat others as I wish to be treated (not because I want it back, its just what I think is the right thing to do)
Am excellent at making people comfortable. I'm glad I have that, but its not going to pay the bills. My art work- its shit. I know it is,but its a stress reliever. And I'm fine with that. My clay jewelry, its nothing that 1 billion other people haven't done, and better might I add. And I'm fine with that.
I asked Robert what his word is. That one word - how you define yourself. Not what others think, but you, because you know your heart of hearts. He said- indifferent. I said you like that?  He said , I am indifferent about being indifferent... and he truly is.
But that is it, atleast he knows how he is...I have no fecking clue! And I cant empty my brain to figure out where to start. So I blog - when I can. I get all the thoughts, random as they are OUT. And onto here. SO then its kinda like a file cabinet. Out of my head and onto this page. I have problems with forgetting. Always have been a ding bat with memory. But it is defo getting worse.
I go back and read my previous posts, and sometimes I wish I didn't, because then I instantly relive that shitty feeling or whatever emotion is was when writing the blog.  But I can also see a bit (small glimmer) of progress.
I am slowly finding myself. Hopefully it wont be too late. My luck, Ill find myself on my 80th birthday party, and say, Damn, I wanted to be a ..an astronaut! Pfft..too late now !
Trying to get it all out- back to it.
Right- The friends situation. At the moment, and I am not sure if its because I am now an expat in the UK- and finding friends is not my strong point, retaining old friendships are starting to show signs like a dilapidated house. Few warped boards, peeling wall paper and cracks in the foundations- but of course it may just be me looking too far into something that is possibly just fine.
I am not there to lean on, respond face to face or give cuddles. However when I was there, if I wasnt drunk (which was not very often) I was busy with my visa. I am not saying that I wasnt there for my friends, because I was. But, I dont think I am a very good friend. How can I be, when in all honesty, I dont know myself. Am too indecisive and non relaxed to stop and look in my heart of hearts.
While trying to make friends now, it seems that :
1.I cant find a common ground with the people here
2. Everyone has kids
3. My hermit ness is overtaking my ability to venture out after work
4. The little things are  driving me insane- brilliant innit..OMG.
There are more to list, but even as I type them, I am ashamed of my judgmental ass. Gawd, how rude and crap was that!!!
I have found 3 girls so far that I can hold conversations with. They are really great ladies. But we make plans, all of us. And never follow through. In Texas- I threw the parties, but honestly, I only ever went over to 1 persons house. The rest of the time I either didnt bother making plans, or..well I guess they knew that. So they would just come over instead of even bothering to ask me over...See. Im a shit friend. Bah!!!!
There are things that go on in my head, that will never be typed, told or so much as allowed to surface. Those memories will stay stuffed where they belong under lock and key. So probably the soul searching and trying to get everything out- is a moot point. But I am going to keep trying.
I am missing home- only for a few reasons. And one of them is FOOD. my goodness. But the other is Texan mentality. I think when I get homesick, my thoughts get worse and worse about shhh ing at night. As I am sure it makes complete sense! Duh.. but its annoying.
I find myself, out at break time with one of my friends, and I literally do not have anything to talk about. Its like a roulette wheel in my head, going so fast that I can not stop it to pick one topic. So we kinda smoke in silence unless she initiates a conversation.And that is with everyone I talk to!! I dont know what is wrong with me, byt my conversation skills suck. If the other person starts a topic, I am fine, untill I have exhausted my knowledge on a subject...then I just kinda nod...And also, trying to get my words out properly...its getting completely worse. I will say things backwards, stutter sometimes trying to pick one word.. and half the time, I cant remember what I know I should remember!
The way I think about things..in my head ..because I cant get it out lol, is that I know exactly what I am trying to say, I know exactly what the answer is that trivia question...but it has to stay in there. Because by the time I stop the roulette wheel and FINALLY pick the right answer...its passed. sigh. Maybe it will get better, and Ill be quick and silver tongued...pfft.It is wierd though, that typing is not a problem at all. I can type vomit nicely :) Im thinking of Dad daily- I miss you so very much <3

Its a New Year

I now have 6 months under my belt. I have been here, and adjusted.
I miss my friends. As expected, those that have moved on, good luck to you. I realize its inevitable.
I dont like that I cant throw my parties, and have yall round. But, as the movie says, the "Dude abides"
Just wanted to give a huge Thank You- to those that have stuck with me through this move and understood that, even though I am not there in physical status, I will always be there in mental-

I dont think I ll come out of this move with as many  people I thought were my friends, but those that stick, my life is owed.
I love you

With all of my love  

Pandor- so miss you

I fell head over heels in love with Pandora. The actual moment in my adult life when I was giddy with something intangible ..yet so encompassing.
I am sure it sounds a bit odd. But that is ok. I found myself, found who I was and what I can deal with listening to Pandora.
A time in my life that was so crazy, dizzying and full of fear. Pandora helped. I found Mos Def again, and my Kid Cudi.The Blow, MGMT..M.I.A....oh so many I cant keep my Ipod charged enough. I love love love finding new bands. Even if they are old- or something I have just forgotten about.
Pandora needs to be in England-and that is that.
I will write to my MP...or someone!!! Ill send them emails everyday, with sad pictures of me and my Ipod..or lack of creativity due to lack of good music.I will prevail oh yes.

BRING PANDORA TO UK!!!!

Giving away those tender pieces..

It amazes me..well I guess it shouldnt. Those that stand before you or people around you feeling so high and mighty, when in reality, they are no better. I try every day to not judge.To not become jaded and worry only of my circle. My circle...you tell a tender piece of thought. It is your thought, and no one elses. You think to share this morsel, and it to be analyzed, sure. Understood, hopefully. Considered, of course. Because you are telling those few in your circle whom you trust..you expect respect and loyalty.
I have been told I am incorrect in my thought process of the way our mind works.By several people. Wrong? Who is wrong? Arent we all allowed to believe how we want. And especially those with in that circle you have enveloped yourself with, those with in it should encourage and give support..sigh. Science, chemicals and yes, I believe in the things that go bump in the night.. haven't explained them yet, but I know they are there...or well I think they are there.From my family, I am the black sheep. And that is fine, because the ones in my family that truly love me, still love me. And dont judge..those very few that I love ;) All of this have been discussed.On many many occasions, in different settings...with my circle of beings that I have grown quite fond of. Most have  listened to, some have analyzed...but considered.No
Its a good thing I think, to have a variety in your circle. Provides constant thought and possible ideas to a whole knew process of thinking. But after 30 years, you would think by now..there were some consideration.
I know my friends love me, and I them. Are my ideas that far fetched? Is my thoughts on love, karma and jelly beans that wrong??
All in all, the people I allow and allow me around their circle, are great and amazing. But I think my "human expectation" level gets me in to trouble.
I used to say that, and still do...my H.E. level is too high. Im sure it sounds like I am putting myself on a pedestal, trust me, I am not. Everyone has their own expectations. You can be hard and say, nope not me, I dont expect shit from anyone..Dont give me that.
We all want love, we all want acceptance, and we all want people we can trust. Trust..what a hard word to even imagine this day in age. You think, Aha! I found it!! But alas, you most likely didnt. I trust very very few people now days. And I think that plays it smart...

 It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it

But there is that expectation, that everyone has. But am I  to assume that its different for everyone? Now, I have lived my life by a few hands down must do's. Especially in my family, in my small town.And one is never say something about anyone that you wouldn't say to their face. So I have not tread on feet, but again, is this my expectation level gone sky high? To expect it to be done vice versa?? Tsk tsk...Pepper, you should know better!!
And now, does my distrust make my jaded ..Oh see there you go, I knew it...self come out?
Sigh, I guess, at the end of the day, you have those you want in your life, and those you dont, So, I can always say thanks Momma, for teaching me to cut someone out of your life in a split second, with out ever looking back...

bubbling, a tickling of ...oh look sparkley

I would like to list my unknowns that are bubbling at a low simmer...just to get them out and about..
Maybe airing them will give life to a solution, or maybe conclusion?
1. Im 30, and clueless to what I want to be..
2. I have a severe in-ability to stay focused, I am now 10 second Tom on most days.
3. Why does my sense of what looks good one day, looks crap the next??? (this is getting to be an expensive unknown as well!)
4. Why do I always listen to others, and try sooo hard to not make a movie out of what they are saying, yet a 10 min conversation has turned into a 2 hour movie!!! Complete with period costumes, accents and music.
5. Fridays make me 2 second Tom..I literally can not connect a sentence to save my life...
6. I stutter sometimes, like when starting out a sentence. I see it all playing in my head..but just can not get it out.
7. I have become extremely passionate about music, I search and listen. Anything I can get my hands on. This is not so much a worry, but a very drastic change from a few months ago.
8.I have thankfully stopped drinking so much, but now, when I do..Its a lot in one sitting. ...ugh and hangovers.I never used to get hangovers. So now on my binge Friday...Saturday is no fun :(
9. I used to be quite bad about staying in, now Im terrible! Me and R stay in most weekends. WE love it. But how do our friends feel?? Is it wrong to stay in?? Im not sure now days? The playstation, movies, reading, blogging, taking photo's, researching (my absolute favorite besides music btw..), I mean there is a plethora of things to do!!! But is lack of Vitamin D making a third tail or horns grow?
10. My indecisiveness.I can not make a decision if ...well if a horse was dragging me down the road and I had to decide if it was a knaw your foot off or ..idk scream for help type thingy..see I just kinda start to drift.
Sigh...So these things dont make me scared or worried I guess...maybe its just nice to lay it all out, well some of it anyway. Just a few things tickling my brain on some days...why am I this way???
11. I want to touch, smell, hold, see EVERYTHING. Im a collect whore when it comes down to it all. I may loose interest after a bit, but for the brief period that it holds my eyes, I love finding new things, and learning how things work..Discovery Channel junkie-
However, if I wasnt, then who the hell would I be! ;)

Tonight's gonna be a Good Good Night

I have thoughts, like literally 2 or 3 times an hour, of what i am missing out on back home. The people that I interacted with every day; I miss yall. I miss the food, the mentality and the process of daily life.

Things back in Texas were so simple, and not being anything but descriptive..Slow...
The way of life here is work work work, and work some more. And I thought Americans worked alot.
Im still unsure of the actual pay off from all the working, but I know Im doing it!
I have always taken pride in my work, and I still do here. As with any job, you have OCD like me, then the "temp" state of revulsion...and as it did in the ville, it still PISSES ME OFF.

I know that I am working to make sure I have a better life, and that my husband does too. I wake up at 5:50 AM every morning, grateful. Most times with a smile on my face (if not a smile, then a bit o grimace from bad back, but then a smile)...and I love it. I love being here, love working hard and love knowing that Im doing my best to make sure this visa goes through.
I miss my friends, as I said, but I think they would want me happy to.
I wish I could express my gratitude for such awesome friends. But I know yall know it, so send me some Big Red and Ranch...and lemon grass Dove bar soap lol!!!